I Cry Alone

I’m a man. Which means I’m supposed to be the strong one, the one that is the rock, the one that others can turn to if they need “lifting up.” And I like to think I do a fairly good job of motivating and encouraging others when they need it. But I have a confession to make.

I cry alone.

I realize my kids need to feel like I am… and need to see a strong, solid, positive, inspired, kind and loving father. My wife needs to feel protected, loved, and cherished, and MUST know she is married to a forever friend, companion and partner. She MUST have confidence in my devotion to her and the kids. My family needs to feel like I know what I’m doing. That’s a lot of pressure. It’s hard. That’s why… sometimes…

I cry alone.

I worry that what I’m doing is right, that I’m doing what’s best for THEM, that I am keeping their best interest at heart. I constantly question my leadership, the example I set for them and if I’m making any “tipping point” mistakes that will lead them astray or to want to be away from me. Frequently, I pray HARD that I am guiding them, and teaching them and showing them what I am supposed to – so that they can fulfill their incredible potential. Nothing scares me more than thinking that I’ve failed them in some way. That’s a lot of pressure. It’s hard. That’s why… sometimes…

I cry alone.

THEN, one of my sons shows deep concern for a hurting friend. And another son makes a choice to put HIS life on hold to selflessly serve others; or I catch them treating their mother or siblings with love and respect. Then one of my sons affected by autism smiles at me so big my heart almost explodes out of my chest. And my 5 year-old daughter tells me, “I KNOW you love momma AND me.”

And THAT gives me hope… and I know that with much help… things will turn out ALL-RIGHT. Then…

I cry alone.

Because I’m happy.

FYI: Don’t get me wrong. I’ll drop you like a sack-o-dirt if I need to… and I’ll enjoy it. Just sayin…

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